Happy Practice of Art & Song

“Are you okay honey.  Do you need a prayer?”

“No”, I said, “I am just in a crying mood and need a bubble bath”.  The four choir members surrounding me laughed and hugged me one at a time.  It was beautiful and an excellent way to end the overwhelming day.

I blame the whole crying spell on our choir leader.  He’s a genius in my eyes.  Leading a 100 member choir in one loud voice is absolutely inspirational. Of the three choir practices I have attended, he usually prays out loud two to three times.  Last night, he read from some book I never heard of…the words just yanked my heart out and all my feelings over the past year came to the forefront.

That morning, I went to a moving morning session at the Women’s Bible Study where it reminded me that all the decisions I make should be a daily inner conversation with God.

In addition, I turned in an art piece that took me hours and hours to accomplish.  I felt like my piece wasn’t good enough and all that uncertainty flooded into my brain.  Instead of being proud of my work, I was really like “will someone with new eyes get the message I am portraying?”.  So far, only three people had seen the piece and getting their approval was nice.  I guess sincere approval is what got me to do art pieces in college in the first place.  Getting critiques actually made my work more like an application of “art theory” and not to copy another person’s design or style.  I would be jazzed to read what observers thought the piece was about (not even close on some occasions).

Crying ALWAYS makes me feel better, but in a crowd of happy singers was not sort of embarrassing…I am sure God doesn’t mind and he knows I cry happy tears.

There Is No Crying

I cry a lot…sometimes alone and sometimes with family and friends.  Perhaps I may be more sensitive than others or I have an emotional brain…my thoughts occupy my head.  The reason really values depending on what stresses levels I have or if something I feel like I am suffering daily thinking about the past.  My life was trauma many times over when I was a child and teenager.  Most of the times, I would smile and have this outrageous personality…it scared some people but they liked that I was positive about life.  Now at 37, I believe in that beautiful word “recovery”.  My advice to others who may have suffered difficulties is this phrase my best friend Anica sent me a book with the title “when going through hell, keep going”.  That book reminded me that pain does go away if you release your anger and reach the point of the deepest rock bottom of how your soul is being “murdered”.  Crying always gave me relief from anxiety and admitting that life is connected to perfectionism/people pleasing.  This writing is my admitting from the deepest of my heart.  Be an adult.  God that sounds so scary to me…I still act like a child in many ways.  Being true of what I want.  This “mental diet” every morning plays daily goals and schedules.  I want proof that I am functionally specifically for my dreams so they will come/realized.  This is not the end of the story; I want to clean my destiny.  Maybe I cry when I am happy too.  My tears are a tool to functioning.  My eyes are wide open.  I must work daily to have a peace of mind, an enjoyment of life and discovering self-esteem.

Hurrah for a New Artistic Adventure

The time has come for me to express myself and be judged by a jury of artists.  The project centers on a current installation of these huge woven trees that reach from the floor to the ceiling.  I instantly got inspired by the human anatomy aspect of the nerves, circulatory and hormone frames that are sent by the brain and heart.  So far I have done about six pages of sketches and asked Matt for his opinion on what work that caught his eye.  Seems we were both drawn to the same conclusion.  I’ve been sneaking into the basement paint a huge collage of painted magazines with white house paint…that takes like forever to dry and I am not worried about anyone touching it or the such.  Last night I made magazine flowers and roots for the bottom of the frame I took off the wall of the big basement room filled with junk.  Nothing gets me more excited that using recycled materials and making something new.  My brain is on fire with new ideas and I constantly journal in my purse notepad.  No need to write things everywhere, I know that my ideas are secure in that place.  The time I have free not watching cable has also been a calming journey.  I think back on the last five years of my life and perhaps I wasted a ton of my unproductive time on commercials, TV propaganda and being under stimulated.  Now that my daydreaming has be in full force and my book reading has been tripled…watch out for my new work on this blog.  I promise to use this source to reach my goals and kick other people in the face.  Just kidding on the last idea.  Really.

Wow! We Dropped Cable and I am Fine

It took one day to realize how overstimulated I was.  I tasted my food.  I focused on my breathing.  All my five senses have actually became calm.  First off, my critical thinking professor in college always tried to warn us students how stupid watching TV or the radio was.  Marketing and advertising was my specialty in my career…maybe that is my bitterness.  I did have an awesome DVR on cable so I could forward the commercials..that was even a pain as well.  I am a movie junkie so Netflix hooks me up everyday.  My mom raised us to play outside or to read quietly in our bedrooms.  I guess going back to that state is making my mind less stimulated and calm.  Working on my graphic novel has really been a focus point in my life.  Churn out whatever pops up in my head or reminds me of the plot to the story line.  I also learned how to draw using my left hand, it challenges my mind but if I focus enough, I can absolutely do it.  Take care and peace out on the TV for the moment.  Cheaper too!

Waking Up Your Brain In the Morning

So my eyes slowly open and I have to figure out where I am at and what time it is.  This may seem like I am out of touch with reality and I am.  It is preposterous to wake up and ignore reason, nature and common sense.  Wake up in an incredible instant to move.  Spend time with yourself every time your eyes open.  Go beyond what is imagined.  Right after stumbling out of bed and putting my glasses on…I head straight to a book about motivation and inspiration.  Am I going to have a day of wasted vs. productive time.  My brain gets a full bath of chemicals.  Yum.  That is my breakfast.

Once people got to know me growing up, they would easily put me in the category of a happy riser.  In school, I took those 8 a.m. classes with a whole big slam of energy for the day.  Fellow students would groan, moan and question about how it was too early for me to be perky with zero caffeine involved.

Studying science for so long in college, I begun to understand my sleep cycle was not in the “normal” category.  I was up at 4 a.m. and went to bed around midnight.  My positive moods and personality was always on-no matter what time it was.  My heavy school schedule was crammed in my mind and I used every minute of my day trying to be an over achiever.  I surely accomplished the nearly impossible task in those 5 years of my life.  I do look back and wonder how in the hell did I do it all? 

For one thing, I do NOT allow anyone to decide or get permission on my passionate love on this planet.  I am completely involved in my environment and create opportunities to be a “crazy” artist.  My role models are based on those famous biographies I read about…I just want to spend the rest of my life exploding with knowledge and entertainment.  It is my choice to react, interrupt and set my intentions.

The strategic application to personal growth is a sense of humor.  There is nothing better in my life then my younger sister and I laughing so hard we are crying and about to pee our pants!  I worship the brightness, color and sound of a hysterical lifestyle.  I’ve already planned my retirement destination.  I want to melt into the sand of a warm ocean. 

The dreams in my brain will change over time.  I believe my mind is always working even with my eyes open or closed.  Wake up and see.

Turn That Frown Upside Down

Last night I attended a presentation about a woman that attended a week-long conference with Patch Adams (yes, the movie with Robin Williams).  At first I had to get over my childish fear of clowns then enjoy what she had to teach.  The hour long session was called “Laughing Body, Art of Care”.  The presenter, Kim Palka, is a Natupathic doctor that owns a business named Well Spring in Michigan.  Here were a few bits of advice that I found useful…it might make you smile too! 

1. Listen to the inside of your body

2. Recognize that love is always an opportunity to grow and receive back

3. Show and focus on your happy place

4. Your most significant place is compassion in your soul

5. Not everyone has role-models so lift out of expectations

 

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The man in my life is Leonardo da vinci

I have fallen in love with a man that died many years ago…he was beautiful and a true human genius.  I first met him on an audio book and learned of his behaviors and attitudes that matched my own.  The most influential person in my life was found in my mid-thirties??  Let’s just say he is my new romantic interest.  From the day I listened to the words on the CD about his work, made me want to be a better person and strive for more than my present condition.  My senses have been multiplied a million times over.  I thought I was in a glass jar with my artistic creative mind and the lid to trap me from sharing my ideas to others.  I’ve learned to love and share again.  My world isn’t broken anymore.  There is a brand new promise that I can cling and hold on to.  He is the ghost that I have been searching for all my life.  If I had only met Leonardo when I was a little child.  He could have whispered his wise advice and kept me from the harms of the whole population I was exposed to as I became an adult.  I can’t pretend that I wasn’t bullied in my teens for being too creative, too outgoing, too skinny, and too intelligent.  I have put to death this ideal that I can’t express my mind and the flood of information from my journey is useless.  I banish the traps of the opinions of others.  I put my head down to take a nap and day dream about what my heavenly artistic man would be doing at that very moment.  Sometimes my inspirations happen before and after my dreams.  Why shut off the content and direction of my career aspirations?  This time I invested knowing how Leonardo spent his days and it made me stop watching television or listening to the marketing vibe on the media circuit.  Guess my years of trying to write for other people, I should start to express myself any way I choose.  Now I don’t care if people “get” my output of my art therapy…I know what it means to me and that includes getting rid of the pain I held inside.  I am not a murderer.  I am just drawing the things that have destroyed me over the years.  My spirit and soul reached to a higher level and that is how I came to free up space for my new relationship.  His intelligence is worth a thousand men to me.  My love for him is forever.

Loving a dead man
Loving a dead man

New to the Blog Scene on September 16, 2013

Today I started the first day on my 21 days of a Mental Diet.  “Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life – think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success.”
Swami Vivekananda

Wish me luck!

Here are the rules:

21 Day Mental Diet

1. Wake up 2 hrs. before you have to be somewhere, spend 1st golden hr. invest in yourself. before exercising

2. Read something for 30 min. inspirational, motivational or educational before ingesting any information

3. Write out top 15 goals in present tense, rewrite list w/o looking at previous day

4. Plan each day in advance – organize by priority

5. Begin immediately to work on most valuable task – FLOW

6. Listen to educational audio programs that uplifts and inspires

7. Develop a sense of urgency