Hey hey hey!!!  I know I am on the bad list of bloggers…I promise to write and draw more!

So today I have decided to share my FAV-or-IT song.  I would definitely agree that someone has heard the song but I listen to just four songs on this favorite album of mine named Tonic Lemon Parade.  I have zero clue as to what other albums Tonic has, who they really are and the background story of how they got discovered.

Any who…I really think this song really gets to me because I have always had a boyfriend in long term relationships and it is hard to explain why they would stay with such a crazy girl like me.  It almost feels like the loves of my life can’t put it down in words/emotions/feelings to discuss “why” they love me.

In my memory, I can only state one person that can look me in the eyes every day and say “I love you”.  Not forced.  Not co-dependent.  Not a long paragraph of what good qualities I have.  Not ending with a question mark.  Just soul to soul yo.

It seems extremely difficult to just stop loving someone that you aren’t together with anymore.  Just the huge memory file I store and refuse to even give my time to the negative blocks that really stabbed my heart.  I have this absolutely amazing quality to be angry for like three hours, fall asleep and then totally be fine and happy again.  It very much confuses other people.  Even twenty years ago, I remember doing that to the “haters” I had in high school.  I just wanted to be killing them with kindness and watch how they react the more I get to know my enemy.

A very very close friend of mine sat me down one day and wrote out this diagram about people in my life.  Out of 100 people, only 50 will like you and 50 will NOT like you.  Of the 50 that like you, 25 will like you no matter what and the 50 that do not like me, 25 will actually hate you.  Hmmm.  Think that over.  Spend time with the top 25 baby.

Happy Holidays for real!!  Tah tah.  Please share your favorite song!!

If you could only see the way she loves me Then maybe you would understand Why I feel this way about our love And what I must do If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says When she says she loves me Well you got your reasons And you got your lies And you got your manipulations They cut me down to size Sayin’ you love but you don’t You give your love but you won’t If you could only see the way she loves me Then maybe you would understand Why I feel this way about our love And what I must do If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says When she says she loves me Seems the road less traveled Show’s happiness unraveled And you got to take a little dirt To keep what you love That’s what you gotta do Sayin’ you love but you don’t You give your love but you won’t You’re stretching out your arms to something that’s just not there Sayin’ you love where you stand Give your heart when you can If you could only see the way she loves me Then maybe you would understand Why I feel this way about our love And what I must do If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says When she says she loves me Sayin’ you love but you don’t You give your love but you won’t Sayin’ you love where you stand Give your heart when you can If you could only see the way she loves me Then maybe you would understand Why I feel this way about or love And what I must do If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says When she says she loves me

1. You were more concerned about the color of your car than the fuel consumption.
2. The highlights in your hair are from your palette and not Clairol.
3. You are having lunch with the girls and the fragrance you wear is eau d’linseed oil.
4. The only piece of new furniture you have in your home is a $2000 easel.
5. You butter your toast with your fingers, just to feel its texture.
6. You think about taking a picture to a show.
7. You talk about going to a show where the pictures don’t move.
8. You are over 50 and still have no health insurance.
9. Your family takes out a life insurance plan on you for less than $5000.
10. You know what shade of green the lichen on the trees is.
11. You can’t find a nice outfit for your date because everything has paint smears on.
12. Your date ends up with paint smears on her/him.
13. You’re late for the date because you suddenly knew exactly what that detail of your latest painting needed and just had to fix it while it was fresh in your mind.
14. You chose to buy that new Russian Sable Number Six Round instead of a Big Mac, a Large Fry, a Milkshake, Desert, and five gallons of gas.
15. Your favorite home repair store refuses to work with you to repaint your den, because you rename all of their paint swatches and you get upset that they don’t carry the exact nuance of raw umber you had in mind.
16. You purchase a ton of books, and most are blank inside.
17. When viewing a sunset, you think in terms of cadmium yellow (light hue), salmon and gold, a tinted teal mixed with gold for the water.
18. Strangers save your ‘regular’ spot at the park, perfect for observing children and pigeons.
19. There are Prussian blue fingerprints on your phone.
20. You stay awake late at night wondering how to render on canvas the dimly lit shapes and the shadows in your room.
21. When you go out, you are always stopping and gazing at the world around you.
22. You travel far to sketch a place of scenic beauty.
23. You clean your brushes in your coffee.
24. You carry pencils instead of pens.
25. You have watercolor swatches on cardboard in your pocket.
26. You explain your deplorably bad housekeeping by saying, “it’s a work-in-progress…”
27. You do judge a book by its cover.
28. You watch the latest kids’ digital animation movies and drool over the effects as much as the story.
29. You bought paint instead of food!
30. You paint more than you talk.
31. You draw your letters instead of write them.
32. You like to get plastered and paint the town red.
33. You’re in love … with your studio.
34. You know that art does not match your sofa.
35. If dust bunnies are part of your mixed media.

Been doing some big steps to change my life completely… I am physically “dancing” with exercise videos on Hulu plus.  There must be over 30 different routines to choose from.  As I am getting “smarter”, I am not blaming myself for my sick brain anymore.  For years, I thought if  I was just more intelligent, I could outthink myself into a very rich lifestyle.  I wasn’t the rich city dream girl I used to be.  Ouch that stings a lot.  Admitting and worrying about the past is a super way to  lose control.  It must be the right time for the spirit inside my body to be free from old habits and freak out when victory has come to play.

Moving from San Francisco to Michigan was huge deal for me and that I’m forever grateful that I found Matthew. Yesterday was our nine year anniversary and we both are at the peaks of the good life.  We had a very tight long hug last night.  That was more special then roses, candy or even diamonds (if you could doubt that I am addicted to fine gems).  I even received a hand massage for a time and we fell asleep like we always do, we hold each others hands and allow my dog Boomer under the sheets.  Like a family.  Thanks be to the one and only higher power that opens my eyes every morning at 4:00 a.m.

Has anyone in your entire life looked at you and said these words “Your soul is beautiful”? 

Hmmmm…crying spell for Heather once again.  I was so quiet the whole bible study group on sunday and the leader asked me why I was being so quiet…imagine that!  I had been assigned to read this book about the 26 names of God and I started to go beyond the topic about how the universe even came to be.  I started to really question the true start of my soul.  My father had a soul.  My mother had a soul.  They together made a new “soul”.  Me. 

All my life I was called good names and bad names.  I put that smile on my face and tried to laugh off the compliment or the criticism.  In truth, I would find a secret spot and cry out my feelings.  My brain actually triggered something in me that my feelings would calm again if I just be silent or sob out the problems in my life.  Being made fun of being a crying girl really hurt me deep inside.  I had a pocket in my brain that collected the hurt and another pocket of absolute brilliant shining moments. 

Then it hit me a few days ago that I was never comforted all these years of a traumatic childhood, teen, adult stages of my life.  I never got the hug.  I never got the kiss on the cheek.  I never heard the words of unconditional love.

Finally, I brought this up at the group and everyone saw the pain and watch my eyes splash with tears.  Everyone got out of their seats and put their hands on me.  Real true love was in that room and now my soul can stop suffering.  I surrendered my mind from every bad deed and all the time I wasted on what other people thought about me.

I now look at tissues a whole new way…let the world be mean and I will cry.  Let the world be nice and I will cry.  I was called a “beautiful” soul in 2014 and from this day forward, respect my outpour of tears and understand a “broken” spirit takes time to heal.